Unanswered Harry Potter Questions
by MeghanReviews
Summary: A humorous look at questions that may or may not have been answered satisfactorily in canon.
1. What type of shoes does Voldemort wear?

Unanswered Harry Potter Question #2: What type of shoes does Voldemort wear?

(This article is humorous, not factual. It is part of the Harry Potter event going on at www dot literatureyoungadultfiction dot com.)

I've unearthed in a 1995 Quibbler article with the answer to this question. As the scan of it may be hard to read I have transcribed and pasted it below for your convenience.

**HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED'S**  
**SECRET SHOE STASH**

**Can you really be afraid of a shoe fashionisto?**

For thirteen years He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has gone without foot apparel and he's tired of it. Upon first regaining his body at the end of the Tri-Wizard Tournament this year, his Death Eaters report that the Dark Wizard asked of the Previously-Assumed-To-Be-Dead Peter Pettigrew for his favorite pair of snake skin shoes. None of us imagined that this would be Lord Thingy's first request!

SO WHAT IS LORD FLIGHT-FROM-DEATH'S FAVORITE PAIR?

It shouldn't surprise you that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's favorite pair of shoes is a pair of hand-tooled Oxfords made out Nagini's skin. Nagini for those of you who don't know is his pet snake. (A real snake, perverts! I shudder to think of a pair of shoes made with what you're thinking of... gross!)

WHO KNEW THE SELF STYLED DARK LORD WAS SO NARCISSISTIC?

I certainly did not, but those closest to him have been aware of it for a long time.

One Death Eater, known for his own fashionable attire, had this to say, "The Dark Lord is as vain as they come. He's even vainer than me, which if you knew me, is saying something. At Hogwarts I was given the superlative, The Most Likely to be Found with a Mirror in His Hand. When I first joined him he told me I couldn't use the same hair pomade that he did. I almost quit right then. Am I ever so glad that he's bald! Now I can go back to my favorite brand again."

Well there you have it dear readers. It's clear that Lord Thingy is proud of his looks. Instead of running in fear from him the next time you see him you should compliment his footwear.

Lavender Brown, fashion reporter for the Quibbler.


	2. How do you kill a Dementor?

Unanswered Harry Potter Question #18: How Do You Kill a Dementor?

(This article is humorous, not factual. It is part of the Harry Potter event going on at www dot literatureyoungadultfiction dot com.)

The answer can be found in a 1733 Daily Prophet article. I have transcribed and pasted it below for your convenience.

**DON'T PANIC, KISS BACK!**

**Who can suck face with a soul sucker?**

Ever since Patilda Azkaban, the architect of the wizarding prison of the same name, discovered how to bargain with Dementors, the magical community could breathe more easily. But giving the Dementors control of Azkaban and its felons was not enough for the Ministry of Magic. They wanted a foolproof way to frighten the unfrightenable—to gain the loyalty of a creature so foul, so twisted, so dark, that they devoted an entire room in the Department of Mysteries to study Dementors.

AND WHAT DID THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES DISCOVER?

It seems that this crazy bid for control of the horrible wicked creatures has paid off, but how likely is the knowledge going to save you, the average witch or wizard who finds themselves attacked by a Dementor?

George Percival, Head of the Department of Mysteries, reports their findings, "Simply put: you kiss it back. If you can do so, it will be unable to take your soul."

This also explains why it hasn't been done before, if you ask me. I mean, how many people actually have the presence of mind to kiss a Dementor when it's right in your face, sucking your soul out?

I urge you, my readers, to contact your Ministry representative and demand that the Department of Mysteries find actionable methods for fighting Dementors.

Pax J. Pearson, Ministry correspondent for the Daily Prophet.

***Update from another article written in 1815: **The currently accepted method for fighting a Dementor is the Patronus Charm. It does not kill the Dementor, but it does repulse it giving you time to gather your senses and flee.


	3. Has Anybody Ever Woken from the Draught

Unanswered Harry Potter Question #4: Has Anybody Ever Woken up from the Draught of Living Death?

(This article is humorous, not factual. It is part of the Harry Potter event going on at www dot literatureyoungadultfiction dot com. More details in profile.)

From the Daily Prophet:

**THE GIRL AWAKENS**

**The Seven Goblins Rejoice**

Orphan teenage girl, Snow White, awoke yesterday evening when kissed by Prince Malfoy. Miss White was poisoned six months ago with a sleeping draught delivered inside an apple by the Hag Nettlewood who worked at The Seven Goblins as a potions brewer. The sleeping draught in question was a new formula which had not yet gone through the rigorous experimentation required before public presentation.

HAG NETTLEWOOD DID WHAT?

It appears that Hag Nettlewood acted without consent from her employers when she used the potion to poison Miss White, who was her neighbor and apparently "sang too much" for Nettlewood.

Hag Nettlewood was fired and prosecuted by the Wizengamot to serve two years in Azkaban for malicious use of unknown potions and property theft. Since then The Seven Goblins put much effort into the endeavor of finding a cure for their sleeping draught, which they are calling, "The Draught of Living Death," because when administered the patient mimics the stillness of death as the body goes in stasis.

THE SCION PRINCE MALFOY STEPS IN TO SAVE THE DAY

The cure, found and administered by Prince Malfoy, who is an Outstanding student of Potions says Hogwarts Potions Professor Huntsman, was completing his Mastery in the subject under the payroll of The Seven Goblins. This is Malfoy's first new potion. He's calling it "Wiggenweld Potion" after the wiggens which must be welded to heebie-jeebies in order to counteract the wormwood and asphodel of the "Draught of Living Death."

It is expected that both potions will be for public consumption soon, after a few more trials are completed and St. Mungo's approves it for the medical community.

But why was a kiss was required? Check out the my article in this Witch Weekly to find out.

Susan Drawn, freelance journalist and the Teen Heartthrob columnist for Witch Weekly


	4. How Did the Bloody Baron Get Covered in

Unanswered Harry Potter Question #14: How Did the Bloody Baron Get Covered in Blood?

(This article is humorous, not factual. It is part of the Harry Potter event going on at www dot literatureyoungadultfiction dot com. More details in profile.)

The following is an article in the Quibbler, Hogwarts True History Revisited edition:

**THE TRUTH ABOUT BLOODY BARON**

**Murderous Maniac or Messy Masticator?**

Hogwarts' Slytherin House Ghost, the Bloody Baron, has terrified children and Peeves, the poltergeist, since he died in the 11th century. For the longest time even ghosts, like Gryffindor's Nearly Headless Nick refused to ask him about the redish stains on his ghostly form. Last year when Voltyshorts was at his height, Harry Potter, The Valiant Victor, uncovered the story that is in circulation now among the students, terrifying them even further.

WHAT STORY DID POTTER UNCOVER?

According to Mr. Potter, the Bloody Baron, a Slytherin while alive, killed Helena Ravenclaw, Hogwarts' Founder Rowena Ravenclaw's daughter, when she refused to return to England. Apparently staying in Albania wasn't an option. After realizing what he did the Baron killed himself. Helena's blood is what covers the Bloody Baron today. Or is it?

LUNA LOVEGOOD DISCOVERS THE TRUTH!

I have never taken a story at face value and while this reporter can claim friendship with The Valiant Victor, she had to verify the story herself. A talk with Rowena Ravenclaw's portrait at Hogwarts and a brief interview with the Bloody Baron himself has revealed a different answer.

The Bloody Baron isn't covered with blood at all, but ketchup! Always a messy masticator, the Bloody Baron was participating at a competitive eating contest for French fries and ketchup, a sauce invented in the 11th century by wizards that's only recently been adopted by muggles. The Bloody Baron died on a fistful of fries and declares most heatedly that he would have won had he not choked.

Not so terrifying now, is he? That's what I thought too. I bet the Baron will have trouble with Peeves from now on when word of this gets around the student body.

Luna Lovegood, editor of the Quibbler


	5. Has Harry Potter ever read a book about

Unanswered Harry Potter Question #23: Has Harry Potter ever read a book about himself?

(This article is humorous, not factual. It is part of the Harry Potter event going on at www dot literatureyoungadultfiction dot com. More details in profile.)

In my research on Harry Potter I've come across a rather interesting diary fragment belonging to a wizard in the mental ward of St. Mungo's among the unfinished draft of a PennDragon biography on the Boy-Who-Lived. I think you will find it rather illuminating regarding the question above. Here's what it reads:

**Greetings Glorious Journal,**

**Today's entry regards to the odious show stealing Gryffindor known as Harry Potter…**

I was sitting here, delighting in my reflection and practicing my smile, when I had a rather interesting flashback to the time when I was Hogwarts' most famous and skilled Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. I immediately preserved it in a traveling Pensieve and stuck my head in.

In this memory I overheard Miss Hermione Granger, the know-it-all Gryffindor with rather large teeth, while I was in the library. She really ought to get those fixed. She'll never be photogenic if she does not. Oh and her hair. She really should try my beauty regime from that darling little place in Knockturn Alley. It'd do her wonders… but back to my memory. Miss Granger was asking Harry Potter if he'd ever read a book about himself. Can you imagine? Why would he read about himself? His life is hardly as exciting as my own. Oh the stories I could write if I could but remember them!

Harry might have told Hermione that he had not read a book about himself, but OH-HO Journal little does he know! The answer to Hermione's question is yes. He read it during his second year at Hogwarts. In fact I recommended it to him, and it made him happy, and his self-esteem skyrocketed. He decided to tell the Dursleys to go bugger off. I wonder who they are? Dursley is a strange surname. No matter. No matter.

Then when he read the ending he found out it was written by yours truly, Gilderoy Lockhart… I don't care if Dumbledore's name was on the front cover. The man can't possibly write a better biography of Harry Potter than me. If you could see me Journal, you'd be in no doubt that I'd win the Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. For you see, at the end of the book there was a note to Harry Potter from me: to memory wipe him and steal identity. When Harry turned around I nailed him with my extremely powerful and matchless obliviate charm. Erasing his memory wasn't a problem, but stealing his identity proved to be too much for me. I think that's why I ended up here, but I can't recall. Perhaps it will come to me one day…

Ever Your Most Gorgeous and Fabulous Wizard,

Gilderoy Lockhart

**Underneath the journal entry was PennDragon's handwriting and it said this:**

Fortunately, or unfortunately as the case may be, the charm hit Harry's forehead and bounced off and hit Lockhart in a manner similar to the Killing curse from Voldemort's wand. Until Lockhart remembered and used a Pensieve, he and Harry Potter both forgot the situation entirely and the book in question disintegrated the moment Harry finished the last word, to keep it's knowledge out of a certain Dark Wizard's hands. Besides forgetting Harry read the book, Harry also forgot about the absolute awesome power, that Voldemort did not know, the power to head butt spells back onto their caster. So now Harry had to do it the hard way instead of just head butting the Avada Kedavra during the Cemetery duel at the end of the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

So yes, Harry Potter has read a book about himself, but he can't remember it, or the book, or even the awesome power it revealed to him.


	6. How did Lily and James Potter thrice

Unanswered Harry Potter Question #12: How did Lily and James Potter thrice defy Voldemort?

(This article is humorous, not factual. It is part of the Harry Potter event going on at www dot literatureyoungadultfiction dot com. More details in profile.)

Everyone thought Trelawney was a hack, but she knew better. She's predicted several prophecies and to date they've all come true. She might not remember giving them, but that's why she had a voice activated Quick Quotes Quill. It would record her whenever she spoke and later she could read over the scrolls and consult her crystal ball or teacup depending on what was called for to pick apart the prophecy.

Long before Dumbledore returned to Hogwarts that day way back when and before Snape could Apparate to the Dark Lord to reveal what he'd heard, Trelawney had scanned her QQQ notes and hurriedly unpacked a stack of yellowing Daily Prophets while drinking a cup of super hot tea. By the time she was done, she knew without a doubt in her mind that Voldemort would pick the Potters to attack because of how Lily and James thrice defied him. Her tea stained notes read:

**Longbottoms:**

1. Alice single handedly stops Voldemort's campaign to rewrite existing Muggle friendly laws and pass new Anti-Muggle laws. Voldemort contributes this win to Dumbledore's machinations.

2. Frank hits him with a trip jinx in a duel, but as it happened while Apparating, Voldemort figured his just twisted his ankle while turning.

3. Lastly they refused his overtures to make them Death Eaters and joined Dumbledore's camp instead. Voldemort figured this made them weak and stupid, but not particularly threatening.

**Potters:**

1. First, James ridiculed his patent snake skin shoes. Clearly Voldemort won't understand the inherent ick factor involved as he would continue to wear them until the bitter end…

2. Then the pair created Voldemort is a Moldy Wart magical buttons and handed them out in the streets at Diagon Alley with James' Hogwarts ragtag loser friends. For free! As if you could entertain yourself so cheaply at the Dark Lord's expense. If they had cost a galleon he might have been mollified.

3. Finally, and this is what sealed their fate, they forgot to send Voldemort a birthday card, to celebrate his first "I'm never going to get old!" party. They hadn't even bothered to RSVP! Lily meant to do so and declined, but she never got around to it.

**Potters = Lights Out… o.O**


	7. What is the profession of Harry's parent

Unanswered Harry Potter Question #7: What is the profession of Harry Potter's parents?

(This article is humorous, not factual. It is part of the Harry Potter event going on at www dot literatureyoungadultfiction dot com. More details in profile.)

From a letter sent to Harry Potter from Remus Lupin comes the answer to what James and Lily Potter did for their careers.

Dear Harry,

You must realize that the wizarding world was going to war with Voldemort at the time. Dumbledore had already recruited us for the Order of the Phoenix and as you know I was the werewolf liaison. I was running around Europe scrounging up support for the cause so I didn't get to see your parents all that much before they went under the Fidelius Charm. What I know could be what they did or James' idea of a joke and I wouldn't put it past him to try it. From your mother and father's letters I got this.

James Potter worked in a bubblegum factory. Apparently he chose the profession because Voldemort once interned as a janitor under Groundskeeper Ogg so he could stay at Hogwarts one summer and not return to the orphanage. Or so Dumbledore told me one night while drinking Lemon Schnapps.

Bubblegum is the only thing Dumbledore and Voldemort agree upon. I guess they both think its evil or something because students stick pieces of it under chairs, desks, between book pages, in keyholes of doorknobs, in the middle of stairwells, inside bathroom stalls, well you get the drift. I have a feeling Dumbledore also pulled such an internship at Hogwarts, though to be honest I can't imagine him ever doing it.

**A summer spent scrubbing it off the Muggle way taught Voldemort (and Dumbledore) 3 things:**

1. They did not want to be janitors.

2. Sometimes scrapping gum off the scrapper is harder than getting it off the underside of a desk.

3. Anybody who produced gum should die a horrible death.

Seems excessive, yes? I don't know why this has to do with James' position at a gum factory other than that it really got under Dumbledore's skin… and perhaps Voldemort's as well.

Now for your mother, Lily. She started in the Ministry as an Undersecretary, but before long she was pregnant with you and they found out. The wizarding world is not very forward. We don't have maternity leave, why do you think Molly Weasley is a stay at home mother instead of being out in the workforce? Your mother was advocating to change that when she died. I would not be surprised to find that Hermione completes her mission. I don't see her surviving as a stay at home mother, do you?

Your furry friend,

Remus Lupin


	8. How did Hogwarts get modern plumbing?

Unanswered Harry Potter Question #25: How did Hogwarts get modern plumbing?

(This article is humorous, not factual. It is part of the Harry Potter event going on at www dot literatureyoungadultfiction dot com.)

The answer can be found in the revised standard edition of Hogwarts, A History. I have manage with great difficulty to tear out the page to share with you... just don't tell Madam Pince. You heard what she did to those second years last week? They're terrified to be on the same floor as the library now, let alone in it.

**HOGWARTS, A HISTORY (PAGE 729)**

**THE ADVENT OF MODERN PLUMBING**

There is more to Hogwarts than meets the eye dear readers. The castle is a magical wonder of the wizarding world. Who knows exactly how the four Founders constructed it? There is some light to be shed on this topic however so let us tell you about it. (Tap the image with your wand for a five minute photograph lecture.)

[THERE WERE SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES GETTING THE IMAGE DIGITAL SO I'VE TRANSCRIBED THE LECTURE BELOW]

Each of the founders had their own specialties. It was Salazar Slytherin who preferred cleanliness above all the rest. He could not abide by filth, which would lead one to wonder why he chose the dungeons as his domain (more on this in another photograph lecture.)

When Slytherin lived he worked hard to create new ways to stay clean. These ways have gradually been adopted by wizards and muggles alike over the centuries and been adapted and improved upon to be the modern plumbing we all take for granted today.

The first thing that Slytherin did was create a way for waste to move out of the castle. With the help of 780 Hogwarts House Elves they created drainage and a sewer system.

When Hopjinx, the Head House Elf, came up with the idea to bring fresh water into Hogwarts by similar methods, Slytherin was quick to pick up the plan. It took more finagling than the waste system, but they did it.

Over the years, as the magic involved evolved and expanded to include modern toilets and showers, the rooms of the castle devoted to chamber pots and baths were converted by crews of House Elves and overseen by Headmasters.

There are three bathrooms in Hogwarts that surpass all the rest. The first is the Headmaster's bathroom with gold fixings that change to reflect the Headmaster's Hogwarts house affiliation. Professor Dumbledore has opted to add a talking mirror of his creation that reflects on his appearance.

The second is the professor's spa area. Each professor has added onto it. It currently operates under five enlarging spells and features a steam room and sauna. Professor Snape has added a detox chamber for pesky potion removal and Professor McGonagall has added a small space for automated pet grooming.

The last bathroom of note is the Prefect's Bathroom, which can also be accessed by the Head Girl and Head Boy. It sports a large swimming pool size bathtub with over 400 kinds of bubblebath. Readers beware, the ghost of Moaning Myrtle particularly likes to hang out here in the stalls when she thinks no one is watching.

If modern plumbing is not your thing, there is still one room in Hogwarts that can scrounge you up a chamber pot if you know where to look.


End file.
